day 5

I told myself 3 days ago that it is time to turn it around.  It is time to change my situation and time to change my depressive state.  Since February I have been off work and it has been nice to take a much needed mental break.  Taking walks on the beach, hanging out with friends and basically doing what I want.  This kind of life is starting to become very comfortable.  I am sure you all know how honest I am, so I am going to say this and not be embarrassed or feel bad about it in the least.  But if I never work a day in my life again, I would embrace that with my whole, big heart.  You probably also know how much of a dreamer I am.  It is my fantasies and dreams that keep me innocent about life, so keep your reality away from me!  I will live by the sea, in a garden, with birds and flowers and nature all around me.  My little shanty, cottage will have hundreds of light holes.  A house made of old windows.   Vintage windows, so I can see the ocean and feel the salty breeze at any moment.  I will wake up to the love of my life, naturally, no alarms.  I will scuff my feet to the kitchen, where I will ponder what I will have to fill my belly for a good 10 mins, just looking in every cupboard and fridge about 3 or 4 times.  The only decisions I will have to make will be whether I should explore my beachy backyard now or later in the afternoon and whether I will have a beer or ... a beer with my dinner that night.  I will fall asleep with the moon and always rise when the sun reaches my eyes.  A care-free, worry-free, stress-free seaside life.  How wonderful!  But this isn't just a dream, this will be my future.  Do you notice that I used the word "will".  I am the change if I wish to see prosperity in my universe.  You all need to be the change if you wish to see abundance and expansion in your world.  By saying I "will", it is attracting good fortune into your lives, which you all so much deserve.

I have always been one to work hard for my accomplishments and dreams to come true.  This is why I am changing my current direction so that it points to the ocean.  Clearly the best way to do this is by breaking the pattern.  I have been manipulating my thoughts into an absolute stream, because all oceans start as a stream.  This is how I started day 1 of myself guidance, by expressing confident statements out loud.

-I cut the cords that bind me.
-I welcome change in my life.
-My future is full of possibilities.
-My goals are becoming manifest.
-Change in my life is a way for me to learn.
-I live free from struggle and fear.

For any of you going through any type of change or trial, I understand that evolving from a tiny pool into a vast, beautiful, deep ocean can be extensive and disheartening.  But tomorrow you must wake up!  Tackle the obstacles, jump the hump, break the pattern.  You must be the change you wish to see in your universe.  Stick with it, don't give up, don't abandon your happiness for a day of self pity or to the dullness of the blahs.  I believe that with a little bit of concrete, self chatter, you and I can reach a constant state of happiness.

Well it's day 3 and I must say, I am feeling super-excellent.  I am feeling in control, in rhythm and in tune.  I am feeling a purpose once again and I am looking forward to the new joy each moment brings.

day 4

I have fallen!  I have finally fallen off this elevation of content, I have come off my happy high (half of the time).  I feel that depression coming back, along with the anxiety.  My chest is tight and my thoughts are racing.  I sleep most of the days, unless it's the weekend where you'll find me out drinking.  Where is my care free energy gone?  Where is my positive outlook?  Where is my optimism?  I want that person back full-time, not part-time!  I'm low-spiritied, I'm out of sorts and distressed.  It has been about a month since my last blog because I have been struggling off and on.  I couldn't bring myself to write about being joyful, adventurous and positive, because I am not.  I have to find my lost soul again, I have to keep reflecting on being blessed, grateful and thankful.  I have to keep my creative identity, I have to take risks again, I have to keep an open mind and my innocent dreaming a constant.  These are the gifts that make me shine.

Hey, all my anxious and depressed friends out there, I have a small plan in place!!!  This is huge for someone who suffers from running concern.  I am quite impatient and the craving for my delightful excitement to come back is overpowering but I know everything must run its course as it should.  In the meantime, I will continue to center my strength on being the best I can be day by day.  I will be with people who keep me skyward, I will play in nature and use my creative intelligence to keep my anxiety captured.  That being said, through my creative outlet I have fallen in love with writing, mostly about being connected to nature, through the path of poetry.  I hope to one day write a book but for now, I'd like to share my poetry with you.

Barren Race

August.10/2014

My being of worth.

I am a creature, a seductive valley. 

Outlined a creamy, fair cover.

With speckled, marked territory. 

My flushed curves, an original pattern. 

My velvet lines, edge my naked grooves. 

Round, bare, arched traces.

Of creases, wrinkles and imperfection.

My feminine glisten, a warm shade.

My painted figure, a gift.

Fleshy, gentle. soft hints.

Of a woman's soul, open and whole.

We are created from earth.

Crafted from rain, salt, powder and soil.

No artificial or plastic life.

No mistakes.

All real parts.

All real body parts.

Like nature, we grow and are created just as we are.

Just as we need to be.

Like the disfigured knots on a tree's trunk.

Or the birthmark you can not hide.

It's all created to be this way.

We are deeply one.

Worthy of our creator.

The mother that surrounds us.

Beauty in imperfection.

We are the works of the universe.

Go easy

July.30/2014

Linger easy on the jarring footpath.
Drift with the smooth current pull.
Devour the earthy greens and catch the lemon's shedding trace.
Receive nature's healthy identity.
Become aware with all of unity.
Wrap up in all wonders and sight and connect to be grounded with one's self and life.

Oversea

July.29/2014

Sandy amongst the bloom.
Grey against the green.
Wading in the blue.
Sense a yellow's warm bean.





















Placid Groove 

May.18/2014

I walked through the hush and was attentive with the balance of my soul.  It was there in the still I could feel my attachment with the beauty of the earth.  I know this part of creation is home for my energy.

Sea Chest

May.17/2014

I love the sea's flawless music and the way it mirrors the sky.  The colours that blaze across its surface are different at any moment.  This, combined with the shore's treasures and pebbly, tanned sand, surprise me every time.

Untitled

July.31/2014

This is myself portrait.

I'm the cosmos around you.

I'm everywhere.

My silver strands and pale brunette, rinse in the salt.  Drifting on to my silken, oatmeal skin.

My eyes, the divine you soak in.  That was over you, that carry you calmly with my spirit.  

My smell, familiar.  That airy mist that vapours to the lid.  That ghostly film that you know as home.  

My body, my compass, my sailcloth.  My feminine curvation.  Waves around my hips, my backside, my elbows and shoulders.  Dancing at different heights.  My soft-hued complexion, speckled with earth.  Supple, at times chapped with coarse grain.  Pure, whole, not innocent.  

My aura, my vault of chancy thoughts.  Wispy, floating, until disrupted.  Fracturing the blistered border, hauling on your heart.  Shifting to match the moon's pull, rocky to even, rough to easy.  

I'm laced and woven.

I'm meshed and tangled.

I'm an eclipse of cerulean.

Aligned and fused.

Restful Swell 

May.23/2014

Friday morning.

Overcast filtering the beaming yellow.

Soft wind, ruffling the willow. 

Inhale, exhale.

A glow carried through the pane.

Shed upon the walnut wash.

Hearty grain married with sticky mango and summer crop.

Warm brew steeped with lemon and a weekly puzzle left unanswered. 

Inhale, exhale.

The spring wanderlust is here. 

Ashen Spread 

June.10/2014

Crowded sky of grey.

Blooming rose of May.

Windy wheat a flow.

Straw ground below.

Silent prairie field.

Saunter, a slow yield.