day 5

I told myself 3 days ago that it is time to turn it around.  It is time to change my situation and time to change my depressive state.  Since February I have been off work and it has been nice to take a much needed mental break.  Taking walks on the beach, hanging out with friends and basically doing what I want.  This kind of life is starting to become very comfortable.  I am sure you all know how honest I am, so I am going to say this and not be embarrassed or feel bad about it in the least.  But if I never work a day in my life again, I would embrace that with my whole, big heart.  You probably also know how much of a dreamer I am.  It is my fantasies and dreams that keep me innocent about life, so keep your reality away from me!  I will live by the sea, in a garden, with birds and flowers and nature all around me.  My little shanty, cottage will have hundreds of light holes.  A house made of old windows.   Vintage windows, so I can see the ocean and feel the salty breeze at any moment.  I will wake up to the love of my life, naturally, no alarms.  I will scuff my feet to the kitchen, where I will ponder what I will have to fill my belly for a good 10 mins, just looking in every cupboard and fridge about 3 or 4 times.  The only decisions I will have to make will be whether I should explore my beachy backyard now or later in the afternoon and whether I will have a beer or ... a beer with my dinner that night.  I will fall asleep with the moon and always rise when the sun reaches my eyes.  A care-free, worry-free, stress-free seaside life.  How wonderful!  But this isn't just a dream, this will be my future.  Do you notice that I used the word "will".  I am the change if I wish to see prosperity in my universe.  You all need to be the change if you wish to see abundance and expansion in your world.  By saying I "will", it is attracting good fortune into your lives, which you all so much deserve.

I have always been one to work hard for my accomplishments and dreams to come true.  This is why I am changing my current direction so that it points to the ocean.  Clearly the best way to do this is by breaking the pattern.  I have been manipulating my thoughts into an absolute stream, because all oceans start as a stream.  This is how I started day 1 of myself guidance, by expressing confident statements out loud.

-I cut the cords that bind me.
-I welcome change in my life.
-My future is full of possibilities.
-My goals are becoming manifest.
-Change in my life is a way for me to learn.
-I live free from struggle and fear.

For any of you going through any type of change or trial, I understand that evolving from a tiny pool into a vast, beautiful, deep ocean can be extensive and disheartening.  But tomorrow you must wake up!  Tackle the obstacles, jump the hump, break the pattern.  You must be the change you wish to see in your universe.  Stick with it, don't give up, don't abandon your happiness for a day of self pity or to the dullness of the blahs.  I believe that with a little bit of concrete, self chatter, you and I can reach a constant state of happiness.

Well it's day 3 and I must say, I am feeling super-excellent.  I am feeling in control, in rhythm and in tune.  I am feeling a purpose once again and I am looking forward to the new joy each moment brings.

day 4

I have fallen!  I have finally fallen off this elevation of content, I have come off my happy high (half of the time).  I feel that depression coming back, along with the anxiety.  My chest is tight and my thoughts are racing.  I sleep most of the days, unless it's the weekend where you'll find me out drinking.  Where is my care free energy gone?  Where is my positive outlook?  Where is my optimism?  I want that person back full-time, not part-time!  I'm low-spiritied, I'm out of sorts and distressed.  It has been about a month since my last blog because I have been struggling off and on.  I couldn't bring myself to write about being joyful, adventurous and positive, because I am not.  I have to find my lost soul again, I have to keep reflecting on being blessed, grateful and thankful.  I have to keep my creative identity, I have to take risks again, I have to keep an open mind and my innocent dreaming a constant.  These are the gifts that make me shine.

Hey, all my anxious and depressed friends out there, I have a small plan in place!!!  This is huge for someone who suffers from running concern.  I am quite impatient and the craving for my delightful excitement to come back is overpowering but I know everything must run its course as it should.  In the meantime, I will continue to center my strength on being the best I can be day by day.  I will be with people who keep me skyward, I will play in nature and use my creative intelligence to keep my anxiety captured.  That being said, through my creative outlet I have fallen in love with writing, mostly about being connected to nature, through the path of poetry.  I hope to one day write a book but for now, I'd like to share my poetry with you.

Barren Race

August.10/2014

My being of worth.

I am a creature, a seductive valley. 

Outlined a creamy, fair cover.

With speckled, marked territory. 

My flushed curves, an original pattern. 

My velvet lines, edge my naked grooves. 

Round, bare, arched traces.

Of creases, wrinkles and imperfection.

My feminine glisten, a warm shade.

My painted figure, a gift.

Fleshy, gentle. soft hints.

Of a woman's soul, open and whole.

We are created from earth.

Crafted from rain, salt, powder and soil.

No artificial or plastic life.

No mistakes.

All real parts.

All real body parts.

Like nature, we grow and are created just as we are.

Just as we need to be.

Like the disfigured knots on a tree's trunk.

Or the birthmark you can not hide.

It's all created to be this way.

We are deeply one.

Worthy of our creator.

The mother that surrounds us.

Beauty in imperfection.

We are the works of the universe.

Go easy

July.30/2014

Linger easy on the jarring footpath.
Drift with the smooth current pull.
Devour the earthy greens and catch the lemon's shedding trace.
Receive nature's healthy identity.
Become aware with all of unity.
Wrap up in all wonders and sight and connect to be grounded with one's self and life.

Oversea

July.29/2014

Sandy amongst the bloom.
Grey against the green.
Wading in the blue.
Sense a yellow's warm bean.





















Placid Groove 

May.18/2014

I walked through the hush and was attentive with the balance of my soul.  It was there in the still I could feel my attachment with the beauty of the earth.  I know this part of creation is home for my energy.

Sea Chest

May.17/2014

I love the sea's flawless music and the way it mirrors the sky.  The colours that blaze across its surface are different at any moment.  This, combined with the shore's treasures and pebbly, tanned sand, surprise me every time.

Untitled

July.31/2014

This is myself portrait.

I'm the cosmos around you.

I'm everywhere.

My silver strands and pale brunette, rinse in the salt.  Drifting on to my silken, oatmeal skin.

My eyes, the divine you soak in.  That was over you, that carry you calmly with my spirit.  

My smell, familiar.  That airy mist that vapours to the lid.  That ghostly film that you know as home.  

My body, my compass, my sailcloth.  My feminine curvation.  Waves around my hips, my backside, my elbows and shoulders.  Dancing at different heights.  My soft-hued complexion, speckled with earth.  Supple, at times chapped with coarse grain.  Pure, whole, not innocent.  

My aura, my vault of chancy thoughts.  Wispy, floating, until disrupted.  Fracturing the blistered border, hauling on your heart.  Shifting to match the moon's pull, rocky to even, rough to easy.  

I'm laced and woven.

I'm meshed and tangled.

I'm an eclipse of cerulean.

Aligned and fused.

Restful Swell 

May.23/2014

Friday morning.

Overcast filtering the beaming yellow.

Soft wind, ruffling the willow. 

Inhale, exhale.

A glow carried through the pane.

Shed upon the walnut wash.

Hearty grain married with sticky mango and summer crop.

Warm brew steeped with lemon and a weekly puzzle left unanswered. 

Inhale, exhale.

The spring wanderlust is here. 

Ashen Spread 

June.10/2014

Crowded sky of grey.

Blooming rose of May.

Windy wheat a flow.

Straw ground below.

Silent prairie field.

Saunter, a slow yield.  

day 3

I pay thanks to 100 happy days for healing me.  It was a combination of that, changing the way I think and, how I saw and spoke to myself that shaped me into the inspiring, happy and lovable person I am today.  I was angry and cruel to myself, I always spoke harsh words about my character and I consistently compared myself to others.  Throughout my life I have had self/body image issues and more than ever they were revealing themselves.  My self/body perception had been so skewed and because of this and my poor competition diet, I developed a binge eating disorder.  I am fortunate to have friends and family that knew almost before I did, that I needed help.  They lovingly pushed me into group therapy, to take time off work and strive for self appreciation.  I am so thankful for the great group of friends I met that have struggled with depression, anxiety, self/body image battles and unhealthy eating habits.  Because of them,  I knew someone understood me.  The well-versed, creative social workers, with their own experiences, formed and led our group meetings and with their help, I was guided to a healthier position within myself.  To any of you reading that may be fighting the same wars, I'd like to share with you the practices I used to harmonize my soul and to possibly inspire and help you on your path of healing.

To start, the balance of building a positive attitude, focusing on being grateful by starting a gratitude journal (which then moved into 100 happy days), doing more kind things for myself and replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations, were my remedies to mending.  Every Tuesday I met with my group, we focused on how the prior week went to ensure we weren't living in the past.  If I were still living in my past I would be holding anger and hate towards myself but mainly towards certain people.  I blamed others for why I was feeling all this pain rather than taking responsibility for my own actions and thoughts.  So the first thing I did was forgive.  Forgave the people who hurt me and forgave myself for not being perfect.  This lifted a heavy weight and I felt freer.  Forgiving allowed for some of my anxiety to die away and I could instantly breathe deeper (if any of you suffer from anxiety, you know that feeling of panic).  I then began to accept that I was led exactly to where I needed to be and confident that the Universe had guided me on that path with a much bigger road map planned.  It makes much more sense to live in the present tense, so forgiving and stepping out of the past were two major impressions on my progress.

Second, I actively sought out in my daily life all things to be grateful for.  I wrote down 3-5 grateful moments (big or small) in my gratitude journal a couple times a week.  That way I wasn't writing down the same things everyday.  Being a photographer and creative individual, I started taking pictures of my gratefulness.  I found that sharing this with social media made me even more grateful for all those who I have inspired to create happiness within their own lives.  I was driven and motivated to motivate others.  This practice of being grateful, thankful and seeing fortune has benefited my overall health.  I sleep better, I am more joyous and optimistic, I am less lonely and more forgiving.  Creating this gratitude photo album has led me to improve my self/body image as well.  So what I did were things that were wondrous for my self-esteem and self-image.  Although I was not working, I would shower, shave, do my hair, put on a little bit of make-up and do my nails, even if I was just sitting around.  This daily routine anchored me to a more positive ground.  I also started doing things that I was procrastinating, the less that was on my plate the less stress, and the happier I felt.  I am much stronger and have finer tools now to cope with stressful situations that may lead me to binge.  A couple other great tips for self-image improvement I must mention, are to explore new avenues and try new things.  Sometimes being stuck in a rut requires you to step outside the box.  This made me feel empowered and confident that I could do things on my own.  Another powerful tool is to take a self-appreacation break.  Just a few minutes of self-reflection will boost your appreciation for what you have to offer.

Third, I stopped weighing myself!!!  I slid that scale right under my bed and haven't stepped on it in months.  Weighing myself daily was doing more harm than good.  I based my self-worth on that number, the higher the number the more worthless I was. There is no actual need to have an at home scale, I let my doctor keep up with any weight changes.  Counting calories goes hand in hand with someone who is completely obsessed with their weight, so I quit counting calories in and out, weighing my food and exercised less to give myself a much needed break from all the pressure.  Now I worry less about my weight and just commit to a balanced, healthy and active lifestyle.  And finally, a major self-improvemnt skill I have come to love are positive affirmations and the usefulness of positive self-talk.

-I am able to accept my imperfections.
-I am a good person.
-I am inspiring, special and worthy.
-I deserve to fulfill my destiny.
-I am exactly where I need to be.
-Things always work out in the end.
-The Universe fulfils my every desire.
-I am always in harmony with the Universe.
-The Universe assists me as I move forward.
-Life is not an emergency.
-At this moment I have all that I need.
-I am right here.
-My life has purpose.

These are some of my favourite affirmations.  Whenever I had or still have moments of self doubt or weakness I affirm myself.  This keeps my mind clear of any unwanted garbage talk and from my experience this practice has awaken me spirituality and has given me a better quality of living.  I have come to appreciate more of my mistakes and experiences because without them I wouldn't have found this enlightening maturity within myself.  I am my own best supporter and I deserve to nurture myself with peace, love and happiness.  I am more than my eating disorder and I am certain that I am no longer a compulsive overeater.  I am love, courage, strength and present.

day 2

More and more small, magical moments are humming around me.  They are so ethereal that I have to either stop and close my eyes or take a big breath of life.  It positively makes me feel alive.  Like an actual part of creation, not like I'm just another human existing.  I feel a part of everywhere, I feel airy and free.  We all know everyone has different ways of feeling connected and grounded, whether it's through family and friends, love, being one with mother nature or working out.  We all have those same feelings that resonate through us, that we just can't explain with words, like its truly indescribable, like you live in another land and no one else is seeing what you see.  I've recently had moments just like that and I'd love to share with you my sense of enchantment.

Today, driving down Connaught, bunches of small, blond coloured leaves were falling from the canopy of trees and being swept up from the ground as the car's speed stirred them around.  They flowed over the windshield and the roof and fluttered so quickly it almost looked like their veins were threaded with gold.  They flickered so brilliantly in the sun I was sure that they were.  I could see down the continuous arbour, the clusters lofting so loosely, it was dreamlike or a motion picture.  I imagined myself strolling through with my arms spread to my side, while a dulcet like folk song plays in my head.  Without even walking through it I could feel the breeze and the deeper breathes of air.  It was a Fall like moment but the Summer aura brought me back.

When waking up, the days you don't have to jump, the ones where you can lay and listen to the day breaking chips.  Those are the my favourite, as I'm sure they are everyone's.  No alarm, just the natural wake of the daylight that gleams through the slivered blinds.  That hit my right cheek and my slightly closed lid.  I think about it before rolling over, "do I wanna get up now or sleep until noon?"  I coil up and then quickly stretch out.  I curve my body towards the window light and warm, glowing beams diffuse across my freckled face.  I start to smile, thinking how fortunate I am to sleep in this sack with my vintage quilt and foamy pillow.  I know it will be another happy day!

I've been taking notice and writing down these moments.  Looking back you will see how grateful and fortunate you are to have had such real times.  I challenge you to start grasping these small tokens because in the end these will be the most appreciated and memorable.  I am confident that you will see the value and connection within your own life by doing so.  I would love to hear about the special ticks of time you may have had by leaving a comment below.

Peace and love, friends

day 1

Inspired by #100happydays, I've continued my campaign of happiness to provoke others to become one with their own. This adventure I launched to become happy again, meant I truly needed to be ... Be awake, be aware, be mindful, be positive.  I needed to change something within myself if I wanted to develop a happy life.  And so here I am, after 100 days of bliss and I'd like to share where it all began.  (I'm quite the talker so I'll keep it brief)

In April 2013 I competed in my first figure competition and I had this skewed vision that if I had abs, nice shoulders and I compete then the happiness I was seeking would appear.  Enlightening experience, met great people and I know more about myself now but, it definitely isn't for me.  Once the big day was done, all the treats were eaten and the adrenaline had descended; I gained 27 pounds, fell into a deep burrow of depression and anxiety, hated my existence and created an unhealthy relationship with food.  I ate to heal my sadness and anger, I ate because it was my comfort, I ate because I felt like I might never eat again.  As this unhealthy behaviour took over, I suddenly realized that this had turned into a binge eating disorder.  This was the root of all my underlining obstacles and it wasn't the only struggle I needed to remedy.

February of this year, I decided it was best to leave my job.  My depression and anxiety became a severity and knew it was time.  I was sick of feeling sick and sick of feeling poisoned.  Coincidently, a friend of mine was going on vacation with her family, just as I was leaving my job. She had asked me to stay at her cottage like, beach home to house/dog sit for one month. I knew this alignment was happening for a reason, this was meant to be! Knowing that this was the best break for me mentally, I was quick to say yes. The beach healed my soul and my animal companion gave me strength to feel.  I started feeling whole again.  

During my stay, I came across the #100happydays project. What the heck, I had nothing to lose!  But I did lose something; I lost my sadness and anger, I lost the need to compare, I lost jealousy, I lost the hate and pity for myself.    Things were turning around!!!  I made an effort everyday to find the positive moments, to see through all the bullshit, see the good in everything, sent out positive vibes for my inner intentions.  Happiness wasn't a desire anymore, it was my reality.  It was all very simple, stop seeking and just be ...