day 3

I pay thanks to 100 happy days for healing me.  It was a combination of that, changing the way I think and, how I saw and spoke to myself that shaped me into the inspiring, happy and lovable person I am today.  I was angry and cruel to myself, I always spoke harsh words about my character and I consistently compared myself to others.  Throughout my life I have had self/body image issues and more than ever they were revealing themselves.  My self/body perception had been so skewed and because of this and my poor competition diet, I developed a binge eating disorder.  I am fortunate to have friends and family that knew almost before I did, that I needed help.  They lovingly pushed me into group therapy, to take time off work and strive for self appreciation.  I am so thankful for the great group of friends I met that have struggled with depression, anxiety, self/body image battles and unhealthy eating habits.  Because of them,  I knew someone understood me.  The well-versed, creative social workers, with their own experiences, formed and led our group meetings and with their help, I was guided to a healthier position within myself.  To any of you reading that may be fighting the same wars, I'd like to share with you the practices I used to harmonize my soul and to possibly inspire and help you on your path of healing.

To start, the balance of building a positive attitude, focusing on being grateful by starting a gratitude journal (which then moved into 100 happy days), doing more kind things for myself and replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations, were my remedies to mending.  Every Tuesday I met with my group, we focused on how the prior week went to ensure we weren't living in the past.  If I were still living in my past I would be holding anger and hate towards myself but mainly towards certain people.  I blamed others for why I was feeling all this pain rather than taking responsibility for my own actions and thoughts.  So the first thing I did was forgive.  Forgave the people who hurt me and forgave myself for not being perfect.  This lifted a heavy weight and I felt freer.  Forgiving allowed for some of my anxiety to die away and I could instantly breathe deeper (if any of you suffer from anxiety, you know that feeling of panic).  I then began to accept that I was led exactly to where I needed to be and confident that the Universe had guided me on that path with a much bigger road map planned.  It makes much more sense to live in the present tense, so forgiving and stepping out of the past were two major impressions on my progress.

Second, I actively sought out in my daily life all things to be grateful for.  I wrote down 3-5 grateful moments (big or small) in my gratitude journal a couple times a week.  That way I wasn't writing down the same things everyday.  Being a photographer and creative individual, I started taking pictures of my gratefulness.  I found that sharing this with social media made me even more grateful for all those who I have inspired to create happiness within their own lives.  I was driven and motivated to motivate others.  This practice of being grateful, thankful and seeing fortune has benefited my overall health.  I sleep better, I am more joyous and optimistic, I am less lonely and more forgiving.  Creating this gratitude photo album has led me to improve my self/body image as well.  So what I did were things that were wondrous for my self-esteem and self-image.  Although I was not working, I would shower, shave, do my hair, put on a little bit of make-up and do my nails, even if I was just sitting around.  This daily routine anchored me to a more positive ground.  I also started doing things that I was procrastinating, the less that was on my plate the less stress, and the happier I felt.  I am much stronger and have finer tools now to cope with stressful situations that may lead me to binge.  A couple other great tips for self-image improvement I must mention, are to explore new avenues and try new things.  Sometimes being stuck in a rut requires you to step outside the box.  This made me feel empowered and confident that I could do things on my own.  Another powerful tool is to take a self-appreacation break.  Just a few minutes of self-reflection will boost your appreciation for what you have to offer.

Third, I stopped weighing myself!!!  I slid that scale right under my bed and haven't stepped on it in months.  Weighing myself daily was doing more harm than good.  I based my self-worth on that number, the higher the number the more worthless I was. There is no actual need to have an at home scale, I let my doctor keep up with any weight changes.  Counting calories goes hand in hand with someone who is completely obsessed with their weight, so I quit counting calories in and out, weighing my food and exercised less to give myself a much needed break from all the pressure.  Now I worry less about my weight and just commit to a balanced, healthy and active lifestyle.  And finally, a major self-improvemnt skill I have come to love are positive affirmations and the usefulness of positive self-talk.

-I am able to accept my imperfections.
-I am a good person.
-I am inspiring, special and worthy.
-I deserve to fulfill my destiny.
-I am exactly where I need to be.
-Things always work out in the end.
-The Universe fulfils my every desire.
-I am always in harmony with the Universe.
-The Universe assists me as I move forward.
-Life is not an emergency.
-At this moment I have all that I need.
-I am right here.
-My life has purpose.

These are some of my favourite affirmations.  Whenever I had or still have moments of self doubt or weakness I affirm myself.  This keeps my mind clear of any unwanted garbage talk and from my experience this practice has awaken me spirituality and has given me a better quality of living.  I have come to appreciate more of my mistakes and experiences because without them I wouldn't have found this enlightening maturity within myself.  I am my own best supporter and I deserve to nurture myself with peace, love and happiness.  I am more than my eating disorder and I am certain that I am no longer a compulsive overeater.  I am love, courage, strength and present.

day 2

More and more small, magical moments are humming around me.  They are so ethereal that I have to either stop and close my eyes or take a big breath of life.  It positively makes me feel alive.  Like an actual part of creation, not like I'm just another human existing.  I feel a part of everywhere, I feel airy and free.  We all know everyone has different ways of feeling connected and grounded, whether it's through family and friends, love, being one with mother nature or working out.  We all have those same feelings that resonate through us, that we just can't explain with words, like its truly indescribable, like you live in another land and no one else is seeing what you see.  I've recently had moments just like that and I'd love to share with you my sense of enchantment.

Today, driving down Connaught, bunches of small, blond coloured leaves were falling from the canopy of trees and being swept up from the ground as the car's speed stirred them around.  They flowed over the windshield and the roof and fluttered so quickly it almost looked like their veins were threaded with gold.  They flickered so brilliantly in the sun I was sure that they were.  I could see down the continuous arbour, the clusters lofting so loosely, it was dreamlike or a motion picture.  I imagined myself strolling through with my arms spread to my side, while a dulcet like folk song plays in my head.  Without even walking through it I could feel the breeze and the deeper breathes of air.  It was a Fall like moment but the Summer aura brought me back.

When waking up, the days you don't have to jump, the ones where you can lay and listen to the day breaking chips.  Those are the my favourite, as I'm sure they are everyone's.  No alarm, just the natural wake of the daylight that gleams through the slivered blinds.  That hit my right cheek and my slightly closed lid.  I think about it before rolling over, "do I wanna get up now or sleep until noon?"  I coil up and then quickly stretch out.  I curve my body towards the window light and warm, glowing beams diffuse across my freckled face.  I start to smile, thinking how fortunate I am to sleep in this sack with my vintage quilt and foamy pillow.  I know it will be another happy day!

I've been taking notice and writing down these moments.  Looking back you will see how grateful and fortunate you are to have had such real times.  I challenge you to start grasping these small tokens because in the end these will be the most appreciated and memorable.  I am confident that you will see the value and connection within your own life by doing so.  I would love to hear about the special ticks of time you may have had by leaving a comment below.

Peace and love, friends

day 1

Inspired by #100happydays, I've continued my campaign of happiness to provoke others to become one with their own. This adventure I launched to become happy again, meant I truly needed to be ... Be awake, be aware, be mindful, be positive.  I needed to change something within myself if I wanted to develop a happy life.  And so here I am, after 100 days of bliss and I'd like to share where it all began.  (I'm quite the talker so I'll keep it brief)

In April 2013 I competed in my first figure competition and I had this skewed vision that if I had abs, nice shoulders and I compete then the happiness I was seeking would appear.  Enlightening experience, met great people and I know more about myself now but, it definitely isn't for me.  Once the big day was done, all the treats were eaten and the adrenaline had descended; I gained 27 pounds, fell into a deep burrow of depression and anxiety, hated my existence and created an unhealthy relationship with food.  I ate to heal my sadness and anger, I ate because it was my comfort, I ate because I felt like I might never eat again.  As this unhealthy behaviour took over, I suddenly realized that this had turned into a binge eating disorder.  This was the root of all my underlining obstacles and it wasn't the only struggle I needed to remedy.

February of this year, I decided it was best to leave my job.  My depression and anxiety became a severity and knew it was time.  I was sick of feeling sick and sick of feeling poisoned.  Coincidently, a friend of mine was going on vacation with her family, just as I was leaving my job. She had asked me to stay at her cottage like, beach home to house/dog sit for one month. I knew this alignment was happening for a reason, this was meant to be! Knowing that this was the best break for me mentally, I was quick to say yes. The beach healed my soul and my animal companion gave me strength to feel.  I started feeling whole again.  

During my stay, I came across the #100happydays project. What the heck, I had nothing to lose!  But I did lose something; I lost my sadness and anger, I lost the need to compare, I lost jealousy, I lost the hate and pity for myself.    Things were turning around!!!  I made an effort everyday to find the positive moments, to see through all the bullshit, see the good in everything, sent out positive vibes for my inner intentions.  Happiness wasn't a desire anymore, it was my reality.  It was all very simple, stop seeking and just be ...